we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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