no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
