So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
