seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
