i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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