i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
