If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
