I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
