So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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