a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
