Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
