if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
