We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
