Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
