Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
