just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
