Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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