Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
