Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
