dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
