I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
