Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
