so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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