The maid of honor just puked.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
