so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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