do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
