Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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