i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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