You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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