I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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