I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
