So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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