I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
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Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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