it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
