Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
