I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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