I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
