you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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