We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
