There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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