I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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