yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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