sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
third nipple confirmed
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize