when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
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whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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