he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
