I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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