woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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