Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
