she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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