even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
