I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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