The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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