just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize