oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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