it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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